Dark before the Dawn

Another sleepless night

Thoughts only of you

Your arms around me

You whisper you love me too.

I open my eyes

To  find your not there

Just a memory

vanishing in thin air.

How much longer

Must this pain go on

This time is the worst

The dark before the dawn. 

Little White Lies

Little white lies, are they really that important to our spiritual health? They are. We tell little white lies to protect the people we are talking to, or about, or maybe ourselves. It may be as simple as saying the check is in the mail when it is still on the desk waiting on a stamp. Sometimes they slide out of our mouths so easy, and we say ohhh it was only a little white lie it won't hurt. We are wrong, they hurt. Little white lies add up, and pretty soon we have told hundreds of little white lies. Then the little ones get just a little bit bigger and the next thing you know the lie has spun out of control. God doesn't care why you lied. He only cares that you are breaking one of his ten commandment. Honesty is an important virtue to our God and he mentions it numerous times in the Bible. Proverbs is full of scripture regarding false testimony. We are living in a society where excuses are made and etiquette allows for us to lower our guard and relax our moral boundaries. If you really do not like the new dress your best friend is wearing, find something you like about it and comment on that. Honesty is not about brutality or brashness. You can be diplomatic and still shine in God's eyes. I always considered myself one of the brutal honest personalities. Then there were the people who I felt were too meek to understand my upfront personality so I would tone it down or use one of those little white lies. In Gods eyes I was failing him at both angles. I have had to rewire my thought process on how I view lies.We have a God full of mercy and a God that has filled us with his truth, and to get closer to him we must follow his lead. We must replace those little white lies with the truth and we must stay away from those big black  hole lies that encompass us. Remember, God not only hears what comes out of your mouth but he also hears what is in your heart. You must change both. You can not hide the true nature of your heart. Show love, compassion and mercy to those around you. Spread love and happiness and turn away from the blackness that has brought us down. We all stumble when we are fixing years of habit and re-training ourselves but trust in God and he will lead you down the right path. I will leave you with a few scriptures....

.Proverbs 19:9 - A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who pours out lies will perish

 Psalm 101:7 No one who practices deceit will dwell in my house; no one who speaks falsely will stand in my presence.
Proverbs 19:22 Better to be poor than a liar

For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned. (Matthew 12:37) 

Deliver me from the Darkness

I was the oldest in my family, and on my moms side I was the only girl. At a young age I took on the role of mother hen, always protecting and enabling. I was the strong one and the take charge one. I was, and still am, very independent. Tell me I can't and I will show you I will, with a deep vengeance. I have a stubborn streak a mile long, for example, as a child I would hold my breath until I passed out. These are the strong attributes God gave me to protect the soft heart he also gave me. Every awkward glance, off color comment, and rejection went straight to my heart. Every shoulder I didn't have, every ear that wouldn't listen, every pair of eyes that didn't see through my facade left a scar on my heart. Over time I learned how to hide the hurt, and I learned that if you don't expect too much of people then you can't be disappointed. This bit of logic seemed to work for awhile, but in all reality we do expect more from those closest to us. When I hit the lowest spot in my life, when I was down on my knees begging for someone to be my rock and save me, I was alone. Or so I thought at the time. Those closest to me were not there to offer their shoulder, or ear, or to wipe away my tears.I was in a black hole of destitution.  God was there. He had given me all the tools I needed to make it through, only I was too deep in self pity to use them. I let the darkness of doubt and anger in. I let it eat away at my soul day after day. Then all of a sudden something in my immediate family happened and that stubborn mother hen part of me stepped up to action. That stubborn streak and strong will that God gave me was my saving grace. It helped me find my way back to him and his glory. My weakness had been putting my faith in man when I should have been putting it in Gods hands. For his shoulder is always there for me, his ears always listening, and his hand is in mine. When I needed him most God was there. I still have days, moments like now where I reflect on those dark times in my life. Glad I am free of the pain and despair and have replaced it with love and laughter. We all have our own personal dark pit that tries to suck us in but reach for God and be free of the hold it has on you.  He is there for all of us, all we have to do is ask for his forgiveness and believe in the glory he is offering to us. 

Psalm 18:2-6  "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears."

Ditching the Disappointment

Most of the disappointment we face in our lives we bring upon ourselves unintentionally. We either expect too much from ourselves or other people. When we or they fail to deliver up to our predetermined standards, we are devastated. This is a daily struggle for me. One of my greatest fears in life has been disappointing the people I love, and complete strangers for that matter. And in my eyes I have disappointed them, over and over in some instances. Then I just try harder and it becomes a vicious cycle. I believe that I can find a way to please everyone, when in reality I can't. Which is another disappointment. So many of the things I have learned to do, so many of my Jane of all Trades personality comes from my desire to please and overcompensate. I'm the first to offer my hand, my heart, and my desire to please. This is one of my burdens that I am having to hand over to my savior. It's a heavy one so it is coming at the cost of many tears and years of hard wired habits that I am going to have to rewire with his help. Feeling like a disappointment is not an easy burden to let go of, it sinks its hooks in nice and tight to every dark nook and cranny it can find. For my savior offers me so much light and hope in his words, that in taking his hand and letting him take my burden I am lightened of my load. In his eyes I am not a disappointment, for he knows my heart. When we are weak he is our strength, when we are stumbling he is our rock, he wipes the tears and replaces the dark with light. He forgives with his graciousness and opens our eyes to a better life. His words guide us and provide us with a firm foundation to build upon. He is my God, my best friend, and everyday he cleanses my soul and helps me let go of the pain and make room for more happiness. I shall no longer serve to please man, only to please my God.

Where do I belong?

Most of my life has been spent in constant motion. As a child my family moved constantly. We bounced between  Illinois and California. While in California we moved to various cities and within those cities there were alot of houses and apartments. Illinois was the same routine. I can not count on my two hands the number of schools I attended, nor can I remember them all clearly to name them. When I was first on my own I fell into the same routine of bouncing around. I was in constant search for somewhere that I fit in or belonged. I returned to my roots, or in my case my birth place. I was there, now what? I didn't have those connections with people established with years of elementary school, shared memories of adolescence. My memories spanned hundreds of faces and dozens of places. I was on the outside looking in. I still feel that way today. Lately I have come to realize that while I feel so alone in the world, I have had the grace of God every step of the way. He hadn't turned his back on me, I had turned my back on him. I chose to wander through life blinded with my own self pity, instead of reaching out and accepting him. I have always wanted to save the world, care for every sick animal and person, putting everyones needs before my own. I always hid my own fears and weaknesses with selfless acts. If I stayed busy worrying about everyone else I could turn the attention away from my own inner turmoil. As I strengthen my faith, I find more inner peace and strength in spirit. I find that I am not alone, God is right here with me. He feels every ounce of pain that I feel, he understands my hurts and my conflicts better than I do. I am still not sure where I belong, I have yet to find "my" place in the world, but I know that God has plans for me. I also know that while I am waiting to find "my" place in this world I am going to make the best of where I am at and give thanks everyday for the caring, graciousness of my savior and his forgiveness.

Oh How I Praise Thee...

Let me count the ways! That is a saying most of us have heard, but can we really count the ways we praise him? A lot of us lack giving our Lord the appropriate amount of praise that he deserves. How can we praise him? The most common ways of praise we are told are in song, reading scripture, and in prayer. We can praise him by singing to him, most of us sing hymns in church, but we can sing to him outside of church also. I was always shy about singing hymns, feeling my voice unworthy of such wonderful words. I have no problem belting out to songs on the radio, but I whisper my songs in church.  I can not carry a tune!! God doesn't care how out of harmony I am, he loves me just the way I am. We praise God by reading his Word, he gave us his Word so that we could learn from it and implement it into our daily lives. Whether we read it quietly to ourselves our read it out loud for everyone to hear, we are praising God. Its not just saying his Word that praises him, but the belief of what is being said. We also praise God in prayer, when we thank him for the salvation he has given us, when we praise his grace and his ability to forgive. These are all praises to our Lord. I also believe that living by his Word is also a way of praising him. As we go about our daily lives, it is important to praise the man who suffered greatly for us. Our Lord is a gracious, good, merciful, forgiving, just God. Just to name a few! He is well worthy of the highest praise we can give him!! Don't just say you will say a prayer, say it!!!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a topic that many of us struggle with. We always want to take our little fingers and point them outward when we really need to point them in. It is hard sometimes taking responsibility for our actions when we feel someone has wronged us, or their actions are worse than ours. Ultimately we can only control our actions, and so we must do what is right in Gods eyes and ask first for forgiveness for our wrongs and then we can offer forgiveness for wrongs done to us. I know, some days it is easier said than done. It is ironic that my Christian Counseling professor asked us this week if there was ever someone that we either had a hard time forgiving or was unable to forgive. That question stroke home with me. I have been battling forgiving someone. Their actions have hurt me deeply, and I seem to be holding onto some very deep emotions. These deep, dark feelings have kept me from asking for forgiveness for my own sins against them as well as forgiving them. I have been satisfying this failure in forgiveness by justifying it. There is no justifying in Gods eyes. Last night I had a dream, that God came to me and told me I was failing in his eyes. Do you know what a dream like that does to you? It was horrifying, and I cried. It doesn't matter how hurt you feel, it doesn't matter the degree of their trespass. The only thing that matters is your actions in Gods eyes. Every thing we do we should do for him, we should live our lives to please him. I am off to apologize to the world for 36 years of actions, and then I am going to forgive EVERY trespass against me. I leave you with two scriptures.


Ephesians 4:32) 32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God also in Christ forgave you.
(Luke 17:4) 4 If he sins against you seven times in the day, and seven times returns, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.”"

Cleaning up the Junk

On my journey to Jesus one of my most laborious tasks is cleaning up the "junk" in my life. I have junk everywhere!! It clutters my thoughts, crowds my heart, not to mention the junk that actually fills my closets and basements. We all have junk we have been holding on to for far too long. I have been working for months on decluttering both internally and externally. The first few things I did was walk away from some unhealthy relationships that I had been holding on to for all the wrong reasons, and while my thoughts and my heart was becoming lighter I would tackle a closet and get rid of material things that were not essential to my families daily lives. Then I started working on my bad habits: the drinking, foul language, negative thoughts, gossip, passing judgement, just a few of the many I am sure. I replaced these with scripture. Every time I have a bad thought or was tackling a major obstacle I found scripture that inspired and guided me to bettering myself for Jesus. Day my  day my thoughts were brighter, joyful and I was brimming of hope and new life. Then I would tackle another closet and clean out more material junk. Each piece of emotional "junk" I threw away, and with each piece of material junk that I gave away opened me up and gave more room in my life for Jesus. I have much more junk to get rid of, and while it is a slow process of healing, I know that the benefits I will reap having Jesus strong in my heart and soul will be more beneficial to me than any "junk" could have been.

Who is Jesus to me?

Yesterday I was asked who Jesus was to me. Thanks Abby!! It was a good question, and of course the first answer most people want to say is he is your savior, he died on the cross for me. But to me, it is a little more intimate than that,  he is like a best friend. I lay all of my burdens at his feet, and confess my every sin and he does not judge, he saves me from the path of self destruction that I was on and leads me to be a better person, providing me with daily inspiration. He is with me as I discuss the new day with him over a cup of coffee, and he is with me when I end my day in reflection. He is constantly giving to enrich my life and all he asks in return? He simply asks for me to believe in him, and to give myself to him completely, and to adhere to a better way of life. Thats my best friend.