I was the oldest in my family, and on my moms side I was the only girl. At a young age I took on the role of mother hen, always protecting and enabling. I was the strong one and the take charge one. I was, and still am, very independent. Tell me I can't and I will show you I will, with a deep vengeance. I have a stubborn streak a mile long, for example, as a child I would hold my breath until I passed out. These are the strong attributes God gave me to protect the soft heart he also gave me. Every awkward glance, off color comment, and rejection went straight to my heart. Every shoulder I didn't have, every ear that wouldn't listen, every pair of eyes that didn't see through my facade left a scar on my heart. Over time I learned how to hide the hurt, and I learned that if you don't expect too much of people then you can't be disappointed. This bit of logic seemed to work for awhile, but in all reality we do expect more from those closest to us. When I hit the lowest spot in my life, when I was down on my knees begging for someone to be my rock and save me, I was alone. Or so I thought at the time. Those closest to me were not there to offer their shoulder, or ear, or to wipe away my tears.I was in a black hole of destitution. God was there. He had given me all the tools I needed to make it through, only I was too deep in self pity to use them. I let the darkness of doubt and anger in. I let it eat away at my soul day after day. Then all of a sudden something in my immediate family happened and that stubborn mother hen part of me stepped up to action. That stubborn streak and strong will that God gave me was my saving grace. It helped me find my way back to him and his glory. My weakness had been putting my faith in man when I should have been putting it in Gods hands. For his shoulder is always there for me, his ears always listening, and his hand is in mine. When I needed him most God was there. I still have days, moments like now where I reflect on those dark times in my life. Glad I am free of the pain and despair and have replaced it with love and laughter. We all have our own personal dark pit that tries to suck us in but reach for God and be free of the hold it has on you. He is there for all of us, all we have to do is ask for his forgiveness and believe in the glory he is offering to us.
Psalm 18:2-6 "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears."
